"WHY AM I NOT IN FRANCE RIGHT NOW?" says my pathetic lavender.
No, I'm not one of those people who think that plants have feelings, but the other day when I examined this sad lavender plant, I thought I heard a reproachful voice beseeching me to send it to France, where the climate is more suited to lavender than this godforsaken country.
Lavender doesn't like rain. Lavender doesn't like cold. Lavender doesn't like day after cloudy day of the nuclear winter-like conditions known as "summertime" that is England in 2012.
It's official: June was the dullest month since 1909. And the coldest in 20 years. And the wettest, well, since Queen Vic could sit on the throne without risk of it breaking.
All these broken records, which is exactly what I sound like these days, complaining about yet another day of miserable weather. I've decided my least favorite word is "overcast". Even when it's not outright raining, the sun is hiding behind a layer of clouds. The temperature rarely reaches 20C, or gets out of the mid-60s for those of a Fahrenheit mind.
It's churlish to complain, when my fellow Americans are roasting, toasting, and fanning themselves with whatever's handy since they lost electricity due to freak storms that knocked out powerlines. I feel bad for them, I really do, but I still wish they'd quit posting photos on Facebook of themselves wearing shorts and eating outside. My new garden furniture has been covered with green plastic covers ever since we put it outdoors. After having it in the garage for weeks, we finally got it out for a week of warm sunny weather in May. Mother Nature's a tease.
We've hardly seen a day of sun since the first of June. We should be firing up barbecues, donning shorts and swimwear, and complaining about the horrid heat by now, the Fourth of July.
I don't see any relief in sight. The Met Office has just issued a weather alert for much of England over the next few days. Since the ground is saturated, we're to be on the lookout for flash floods.
However, if we do get a flash flood and our garage floods, we won't be able to wash it out with our hosepipe. Because we're still under a hosepipe ban. Because of the drought.
It's a sign of how the weather has got me down that I don't even find that irony funny anymore.
