Vote for my dog. She'll keep you safe from terrorist squirrels.
In Alabama, a dog is running for mayor. In Alaska, a dog has run for governor, losing by a nose. (A rather long nose, as it turns out.)
Not to be outdone, my dog has decided to throw her hat—err, collar—in the ring as well. (If you know anything about my dog, you know she pretty much lives for attention, and she sees how much attention we pay to politicians around here.)
Plus, politicians get lots of treats, and she wants a piece of that action. So she's decided to run. Not for mayor—that's a ceremonial position here, one you have to be bred for. No, she figures she'll be most effective serving on the Local Council.
She's got a pretty good platform which, as her communications director, I've cleaned up a bit. (Like most dogs, spelling is not her strong point.) Keep reading to find out what she plans to do if elected.
My Dog, On the Issues:
Community:
• Expand the Common, providing more shady paths for hot summer days, and a bigger pond for spontaneous dips.
• Make the playground more dog friendly by increasing the number of picnic tables.
"Picnic tables and appropriately-sized playground equipment will assist in making dogs more agile."
Rubbish:
• Rubbish collection shall be every day, since bags of rotting rubbish add beauty to our neighbourhoods.
• Place more dog waste bins in the Common. This will prevent the need for anti-social behaviour.
• On the other hand, there are far too many rubbish bins in our community, taking up valuable space that could be filled with interesting litter.
"It's nice when people toss their litter right on the pavement. Large buns from the cafe are especially a welcome scent."
Commerce:
• Shops should be prohibited from banning dogs. This includes the library.
• The Fun Fair should be held every weekend, as candy floss will attract the right sorts.
• We should encourage more restaurants to open up in this community.
"All those lovely frying smells improve the quality of life for a community's residents."
Crime:
• Burglary is a community-wide problem. Dogs should be given free rein to patrol their neighbourhoods at night, and barking at scary-looking strangers will be encouraged. People who complain about this will be politely told to bugger off.
• In the interest of diversity, nice, peace-loving cats will be welcome in our community. Aggressive cats shall be put on notice that we will not tolerate anti-social behaviour such as spitting or hissing.
• Hedgehogs should also be encouraged to relocate to our community, after first passing Good Citizen tests. Like knife crime, offenses involving quills will be prosecuted fully.
• Male dogs who've been declared sexual predators should be castrated, and leashed at all times.
"I have been tough on crime my entire life, as my neighbours will testify." Testimonial: "Can't you make that damned dog shut up?"
Roads:
• Speed limits should be lowered and strictly enforced. Large scary lorries should be banned from residential areas, no matter where their sat navs direct them to go.
• Parking rules should be enforced, with exceptions for those carrying disabled pets.
• Our streets need more safe crosswalks, with the button at paw level.
"Every dog should be able to reach crosswalk buttons, to ensure equal opportunity for tiny terriers as well as large Labradors to run across the street after squirrels."
Discrimination:
• Dogs of all colour and creed should be allowed free and unfettered access to our community. (However, spotted dogs, due to their aggressive nature, must remain on leads.)
• Asylum-seeking dogs (such as those from the Dalmation coast) should learn English with the help of such community classes as "Language for the Restaurant."
• No more glass ceilings.
"Bitches should enjoy the same rights as male dogs and be free from harassment in the work, err, walking place."
Taxes:
• Humans should be expected to pay their fair share, and when a dog performs an endearing trick, treats must be paid immediately. Therefore, all humans will be required to carry treats in a convenient waist pack.
• Taxation according to one's income: High Value Treats from those who can afford them.
"An adequate supply of treats are essential to a well run society."
Terrorism:
• Cells of terrorist squirrels are known to train in this area. They will be chased relentlessly on an as-needed basis.
Experience:
• Experience interacting with the local Animal Warden.
• Lived and traveled on multiple continents, maintaining a current Pet Passport.
• Thoroughly vetted.
You may contribute to the campaign here.
