What Do I Know?

Wednesday Food Blogging: Jerk Tofu

Jerk Tofu. Beyond stir-fry.

I wanted to use up some tofu that was nearing its done-by date, but I didn't want a stir-fry. So I jerked it, a spicy Jamaican method of cooking.

Jerk was all the rage a few years ago, so I guess I'm late to the party. (I forgot to put on my Bob Marley CD—that probably would have made it even more like a party.) But better late than never. (There's two more clichés—time to give up blogging.) I served this with some coconut rice, which I sort of invented on the spot, not even bothering to write down the ingredients. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, it's nice to have a new tofu recipe for the repertoire. Now I should work on getting a new Bob Marley CD.

What's on the Plate Today?

Remember when I urged you to adopt a turkey? Now you can adopt a vegetable.

I'm keeping my eye on a new vegan blog, Vegans in Europe.

That's where I learned about the Christmas Without Cruelty Fayre in London this weekend. I need some new shoes.

Sounds like the Mars astronauts will be vegetarians.

I do a double take when I see an environmentalist driving a gas-guzzler, and I have the same reaction when I see him eating a hamburger. So You're an Environmentalist; Why Are You Still Eating Meat?

If you ate cranberries on Thanksgiving, you may notice a reduction in cavities.

Speaking of teeth...anthropologist learn about male/female societal roles from studying 4000-year-old teeth. (They will one day deduce from mine that I ate a lot of metal.)

Wait...where did I put that apple?

First They Came for Your Science Books

Then they came for All the Pretty Horses.

Yep, Kansans are at it again. They don't like the required reading list of the Blue Valley school district, so they've got a petition and website that exposes how stupid they are gives more salacious details about the books, complete with a "warning" if you try to read their reviews.

Among complaints about the "sexual content" and profanity in the books, they seem to have a problem with the reading levels—5th and 6th grade reading level books recommended for high school students.

Which shows how stupid they are. Reading levels have no relation to the intended audience. The Flesch-Kincaid reading scale is a complicated formula that gauges the vocabulary level, sentence structure, passive voice, and other stuff linguists study. At a writers' conference, we were warned if we want to sell our books to keep the reading level between fourth and sixth grade. Anything over that would never sell. Not because Americans can't read complicated sentences, but because it indicated sloppy writing. (Trust me, if you can't break it down into manageable bits, you're not trying.) A 12th grade reading level is reserved for academic matter, and possibly government jargon.

(After this, all my writer friends immediately checked our reading levels, using Word's handy tool. Interestingly, mine steadily declined from my first book to my last, from high 6th grade to 4th grade. It was an indication of my increasing skill as a writer, I imagine, not a sign of my declining education level.)

Back to that reading list, which includes many books by African-Americans, I notice. They especially seem interested in the types of sex depicted in Song of Solomon. (I wonder, have any of them read the Bible?)

Especially troubling is their condemnation of Pat Conroy's The Water is Wide as well as the complete Pat Conroy oeuvre, simply because he points out that his father was a cruel man.

How many of these have you read?

All the Pretty Horses (But...but...he doesn't use quotation marks!)
Animal Dreams (It's clearly eco-feminist.)
The Awakening (link "failed to open stream." Irony is not dead.)
The Bean Trees (More stream problems. Those eco-feminists are at it again.)
Beloved (Sex with cows! Ghost pregnancy! Morrison is clearly a Marxist.)
Black Boy (Wright threatens to kill bullies, then founds the NAACP.)
Fallen Angels (Translation: We hate books about black men.)
The Hot Zone (Failed to open stream. Must've been too hot.)
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (If you are raped, best not to write about it.)
Lords of Discipline (Hey, it's just one man's idea of military school.)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Lobotomies. Not a bad idea.)
Song of Solomon (Someone really, really wants to have sex with Toni Morrison.)
Stotan (Frequent use of the t-word, plus, represents the view that life is confusing)
This Boy's Life (Just as reading about sex will make you sexy, reading about delinquency will make you delinquent.)

What would they like your kids to read in school? Zane Grey, Catherine Marshall, and well-known Communist Helen Keller. (And, to their credit, Austen and Charlotte Bronte.)

The school board, no doubt defending itself from a deluge of angry Talibanists from all over the country, has indicated these books are in no way "required."

Yeah, that's what they said about the science textbooks.

(via AmericaBlog)

Someone Really Ought to Blog About This

I am tempted to say "great minds think alike" but that would be a cliché, and the day I start spouting clichés is the day I stop blogging.

Kevin Drum talks about the effect of reading blogs on reading books, and he quotes Jeanne of Body and Soul. Jeanne thinks reading online "destroys brains cells or something," and I agree. For a while now I've thought I was developing adult ADD, but in reading the comments at both places, I find many who have the same short attention span problem.

I read a few paragraphs, and then wonder, where's the link for that reference? Or I wonder what other people are saying about this passage. Then I realize I'm reading a book, and I start to compose a book review for my blog. (How many posts have I written in my head and never posted?)

If your mind hasn't wandered off yet, I mentioned this yesterday in the post below, but most of you probably didn't get through that one either. But like Sesame Street, I've found if you repeat it often enough they'll eventually get it.

Blogging kills your brain. Go pick up a book.

Here are a couple for consideration: All the Pretty Horses and Song of Solomon.

The Tao of Blogging

Bloggers come and go, usually with little more than a blip on the blogroll, but one might leave a considerably larger hole. Chris of Creek Running North is rethinking having a weblog, and I'm torn. I understand completely his reasons for wanting to quit, yet I enjoy his blog tremendously.

Chris is a writer's writer, a blogger's blogger even. He's a careful wordsmith, despite his protestations that he's merely "tossing ill-considered writing out into the world", and now he wonders if it's worth it.

I wonder this all the time. Blogging eats into one's time and thought processes in unexpected ways. I constantly ask myself, is that a blog-worthy subject? If not, how can I make it one? I just saw a pheasant in my back garden, and my first thought was, that would be so cool on my blog! It flew away while I went to get my camera.

Reading blogs, too, takes time I should be spending more productively. Plus, reading blogs has shortened my attention span. If I'm not caught in the first few sentences, I click on to something else. Blogs are Sesame Street for adults.

So why have one? For me, it's a guaranteed audience, mostly of googlers looking for recipes or Bollocks to Blair t-shirts. As someone who wrote in a closet for years, I enjoy having my words out in the light of day, although the quality (sometimes) and quantity of blogs makes me wonder how long people will be willing to pay for paper content. Reading is increasingly becoming an activity we feel we don't need to pay for. (Unlike say, water, which we are now perfectly willing to fork out wads of cash for).

At some point, though, the thrill of your own verbiage wanes. Looking at my archives always puts me off my keyboard. What seemed clever in January is just plain silly in June.

Though Chris wasn't asking for any metaphysical advice (he even turned off his comments) I couldn't help offering it. I've struggled with the "why am I here" question, after a friend's early death from cancer, when her Taoist boyfriend told me we weren't here to make an impact but to learn. He may be right, but I still want to make a big splash. In the blogging world, making a splash means getting links from the big fish. According to my stats, I've made one once or twice, though I doubt any of these readers will show up at my funeral in testimony of how I changed their lives. But still, those tiny splashes are enough to keep me dog paddling in the shallow end.

To reassure my Taoist friend, I have learned a lot from blogging. I write faster now, more concisely. I know the odd bit of HTML. I've even learned to let go, no longer sheltering my words like they're spun from ice crystals, waiting days sometimes to hit "save". I suppose that alone makes it worth the effort—for now. (Increasingly, though, my effort is less and less. It's far easier to slap up a picture than it is to write a thought-provoking essay.)

I don't know what Chris will decide. For my sake, I hope he continues. His tales about his dog Zeke are some of the best writing I've read anywhere. But for the sake of the written word, it may be best he work toward a larger purpose. I'd like to be able to give friends a copy of his book one day.

I'll even post a picture of it on my blog.

A Short Tale of Two Bridges (Illustrated)

This is not London Bridge.

This is.

Just wanted to clear that up.

I Can't Believe I'm Quoting Boris Johnson

Or maybe I can. I heard him on Desert Island Discs the other day, and he was quite entertaining. He's the sort of guy you'd end up talking to at a party, and disagreeing with him most of the time, but enjoying it anyway, and if you're a mother, wanting to brush his hair.

For Americans who don't know, he's a Conservative MP and the editor of The Spectator. He's got in a wee bit of trouble in the past for his outspokenness, not to mention an imprudent affair, or rather "an inverted pyramid of piffle”.

But now he's got some questions about Bush and about the war, and about the Official Secrets Act being used to suppress the publication of documents that indicate the degree of Bush's imprudence:

I'll go to jail to print the truth about Bush and al-Jazeera.

It must be said that subsequent events have not made life easy for those of us who were so optimistic as to support the war in Iraq. There were those who believed the Government's rubbish about Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction. Then the WMD made their historic no-show.

Some of us were so innocent as to suppose that the Pentagon had a well-thought-out plan for the removal of the dictator and the introduction of peace. Then we had the insurgency, in which tens of thousands have died.

Some of us thought it was about ensuring that chemical weapons could never again be used on Iraqi soil. Then we heard about the white phosphorus deployed by the Pentagon. Some people believed that the American liberation would mean the end of torture in Iraqi jails. Then we had Abu Ghraib.

Some of us thought it was all about the dissemination of the institutions of a civil society - above all a free press, in which journalists could work without fear of being murdered. Then we heard about the Bush plan to blow up al-Jazeera.

Some of us feel that we have an abusive relationship with this war. Every time we get our hopes up, we get punched by some piece of bad news. We yearn to be told that we're wrong, that things are going to get better, that the glass is half full. That's why I would love to think that Dubya was just having one of his little frat-house wisecracks, when he talked of destroying the Qatar-based satellite TV station. Maybe he was only horsing around. Maybe it was a flippant one-liner, of the kind that he delivers before making one of his dramatic exits into the broom-closet. Perhaps it was a kind of Henry II moment: you know, who will rid me of this turbulent TV station? Maybe he had a burst of spacy Reagan-esque surrealism, like the time the old boy forgot that the mikes were switched on, and startled a press conference with the announcement that he was going to start bombing Russia in five minutes. Maybe Bush thought he was Kenny Everett. Perhaps he was playing Basil Brush. Boom boom.

Perhaps it's all an inverted pyramid of piffle. I'd like to know myself, one way or another. Give Boris the documents, Tony. At least when he's in jail, listening to his Desert Island Discs, he won't be porking any young women. Or the Labour government either.

Friday Sheep Blogging

Freckles and friend frolic.

I didn't get out this week for any fresh photos, but here's one from a few weeks ago, near Dunstable Downs. This ewe has freckles, an affliction I can relate to. I hope the other kids in school didn't call her "Freckle fleece!"

I like the way the one in the background is galloping away. Must think he's a horse.

This Is My Last Pride and Prejudice Post

Last night we watched the first installment of the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice (courtesy of Netflix). Next to the film version, which I really enjoyed, it was rubbish.

Colin Firth played Mr. Darcy as a sociopath. His glowering wasn't the least bit sympathetic. Even anti-heroes need a glimpse of humanness, and this Darcy didn't possess any endearing qualities. (It didn't help that he looked utterly dorky. I don't care if sideburns are authentic, they look stupid.)

Mathew MacFadyen's Darcy was much more vulnerable, even at the height of his churlishness. I just wanted to give him a hug, and maybe a little talking to, while I found myself wanting to hurl the remote at Colin Firth. And not in a good way.

And Brenda Blethyn gave Mrs. Bennett a much more rounded personality, as well. (My daughter got up and walked out when the BBC's Mrs. Bennett first started whinging, and I can't say I blame her. I found myself reaching for the remote during her squealing.)

I also wondered why Jennifer Ehle, as Lizzie, grinned so much. I would have liked a bit more sauce, even a mysterious look or two.

So if you're one of those people who think the BBC version is the definitive Pride and Prejudice, I fear your affections have been misplaced.

Consider this an invitation: Let the Pride and Prejudice battles begin.

Although, as Jane herself said,

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other."

(Claire at Esprit de L'Escalier has a great review of the film version of P&P. Hers is much better than mine.)

Battle of Blenheim, as Told by Charles Spencer

The Battle of Blenheim tapestry at Blenheim Palace. (From the Palace website.)

Wednesday night I went to see Earl Spencer (Di's brother) give a lecture on the Battle of Blenheim. He's written a book, Blenheim: Battle for Europe, which stars his ancestor, John Churchill, the Duke of Marlborough.

When I first came to London, I noticed the name Blenheim everywhere: Blenheim Gardens, Blenheim Crescent, and so on. (Thirteen Blenheim-named streets, according to London A-Zed.) I'd never before heard of Blenheim, which is interesting in itself.

We've all heard of Waterloo, and now the Battle of Trafalgar (especially this year, the 200th anniversary) but the Battle of Blenheim gets short shrift in the history books. That's a shame, since if not for the exploits of John Churchill and his sidekick Prince Eugene, there's a pretty good chance we'd all be speaking French.

Occasionally throughout history, the forces of good manage to ally against the forces of evil, in this instance Louis, the Sun King. He thought he should be emperor of Europe, and what's more, that all Europe should be Catholic, which worried the Protestants no end.

His ego was matched by the size of his army (roughly the size of the U.S. army today). He broke treaty after treaty and was determined to carve up Spain for himself. (Can anyone think of a modern parallel? Class?)

The man had to be stopped and it was up to John Churchill to do it. With unexpected cunning Churchill raced his troops 250 miles, surprised the French in Germany, and decisively defeated an army that hadn't been beaten in 60 years. What's more, he treated his troops well, seeing that they were well fed and looked after—a novelty at the time.

As Earl Spencer pointed out, history is interesting because of the people involved, not the battles and the places they fought for. John Churchill, who was made the Duke of Marlborough and given the land and funds to build Blenheim Palace, sounds like a decent chap, especially when held up to the often barbaric standards of the time. He was also handsome, and true to his wife Sarah, which doesn't hurt in a hero.

I can't wait for the movie.

Do They Know It's Thanksgiving in Africa?

Link: U.N.: More Hungry in Africa Than in '90s

ROME     (AP) -- Hunger and malnutrition kill nearly 6 million children a year, and more people are malnourished in sub-Saharan Africa this decade than in the 1990s, according to a U.N. report released Tuesday.

Many of the children die from diseases that are treatable, including diarrhea, pneumonia, malaria and measles, said the report by the Rome-based U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization.

In sub-Saharan Africa, the number of malnourished people grew to 203.5 million people in 2000-02 from 170.4 million 10 years earlier, the report states, noting that hunger and malnutrition are among the main causes of poverty, illiteracy, disease and deaths in developing countries.

The answer, I think, is no.

A Vegetarian Thanksgiving with Tofu and Satan

For our last Thanksgiving in America, I served two alternatives to turkey. Plates were overflowing, which presented fascinating possibilities to the dog.

What do vegetarians eat on Thanksgiving? I wish I had a pound (sterling) for every time I've been asked that. (I once supplied an answer to the Albuquerque Journal.)

Over the years I've prepared a number of bird-less meals, most of them featuring some turkey-like centerpiece. And sides. Lots of them. I love sweet potatoes with pecan topping. My favorite dressing is Wild Rice with Fruit and Nuts. Brussels sprouts can be prepared a variety of festive ways, as can purple cabbage. But I also love a simple dish of fresh green beans, blanched and then sautéd with pine nuts in margarine or olive oil.

Oddly, mashed potatoes have never made an appearance on my Thanksgiving table, although they're often found there on more ordinary days. And yes, we've had the famous Tofurkey, endorsed wholeheartedly by Kathys everywhere.

For many years, I've made Vegetarian Times' No Turkey "Turkey", a real show piece despite its unimaginative name. We make the homemade wholewheat bread cubes the night before, and assemble the rest on Thanksgiving morning.

In recent years, I made this Soy and Seitan "Turkey" from Byranna Grogan. I've altered it slightly—I place it in two loaf pans, or else it creeps over the top. (That could have been due to the altitude.) It's flavorful and moist, essentially a homemade seitan, pronounced Sa-tan. That's right. I eat with the Devil.

A primer on seitan, or gluten "mock meat": Gluten is the protein part of wheat, the bit people on a gluten-free diet want to avoid. Many Chinese restaurants serve it, often as "mock duck". Seitan is available in most health food stores in the U.S., already prepared and marinated in flavored stock. It has a very meat-like texture which seems to please some people. (I prefer the texture of blanched peas, frankly.)

When I asked for gluten in a well-stocked (by British standards) health food store last year, I got blank looks. Then I asked the manager, who told me British HFS's were about five years behind American ones. He's off by a decade or two, but suffice to say, I've never seen either gluten or seitan in stores here. (I got my supply from America.)

Another favorite of vegetarians is a tofu "turkey". I've never made it, but those who have report success. Maybe for Christmas dinner I'll give tofu a whirl.

This year, I'm trying a new recipe. If it works, I'll post it here. It's another version of the Seitan Roast. Shhh...don't tell Bill O'Reilly. He's already mad with us liberals for taking Christ out of Christmas (more on that later); if he hears I'm adding Satan to Thanksgiving he'll pop his already cracked cork.

Why do I suspect Bill O'Reilly never ate his brussels sprouts?

UPDATE: Fast forward to 2006: Here's a recipe for Breast of Tofu with Herb Cornbread Dressing, which surpasses them all, I think, for presentation as well as taste.

Wednesday Food Blogging: Blueberry and Orange Syrup with Pancakes

Forget fish; blueberries are the new brain food.

Blueberries are tops when it comes to antioxidant content, as measured by the ORAC test. This means they're a real free-radical fighting force. For your brain cells (neurons), this is good news. (Especially if you are a rat, and encounter mazes on a daily basis.) Even for the rest of us, blueberries are likely to improve performance on crosswords. (Your mileage may vary.)

Trouble is, there just aren't enough ways to use blueberries in cooking. The ubiquitous blueberry muffins and pancakes have limited appeal once blueberry season is over—frozen blueberries tend to turn the batter purple.

But that's no reason to shun the greatest antioxidant boost since green tea.

Sunday morning I made wholewheat pecan pancakes, while the sun streamed in, defying the frost on the ground. The pancakes were forgettable; the blueberry syrup divine. A simple yet elegant addition to breakfast, and a year-round convenience when made with frozen blueberries. Try using the leftovers in a smoothie.

Pride and Prejudice Redux: Eight Minutes of Syrup

It has come to my attention that the version of Pride and Prejudice that was shown in the US recently was a different version than the one I saw in September. Movie-goers in the states were treated to an extra eight minutes.

Or not. Turns out the extra eight minutes add "sweetness" to the film. Kisses and sighs and so forth.

Sorry, but you guys got cheated.

A Dog Fight with Downing Street?

The Daily Mirror often prints rubbish, particularly on page three, but this is nuts:

PRESIDENT Bush planned to bomb Arab TV station al-Jazeera in friendly Qatar, a "Top Secret" No 10 memo reveals.

But he was talked out of it at a White House summit by Tony Blair, who said it would provoke a worldwide backlash.

The only explanation I can come up with is that Rupert Murdoch decided to do his friend Tony a favor and expose how he manhandled an out-of-control George Bush.

Or maybe this was a plot sketch for a remake of "Yes, Prime Minister."

If not we're all in very deep trouble. Three more years...

What I've Learned Today

Ireland has their own search engine. Play around with it, and be sure and refine your search, you never know what you'll find. (Someone Doogled their way into my site, that's how I found it.)

Meanwhile, it turns out binge drinking is nothing new in England. "Looking back only 700 years, London had over 1,300 alehouses - one for every 50 people living in the city." Right. Only 700 years.

That's what I love about England, their sense of old. When they use the word "recent" they mean in the last 200 years, which in America hardly covers the beginning. Today in my history of London class we learned about the Eleanor Crosses, of which Charing Cross may or may not be one. (My instructor tells us there's a controversy there. He imparts this like juicy gossip, and we eat it up, I tell you. Controversy among historians! Do tell!)

And did you know James II had a boyfriend? I didn't either, though I'd heard Queen Anne had a girlfriend. And when Charles II was married, all 23 of his mistresses came to the wedding!

And here's something else new I just learned:

Charles' closest five advisors had initials which formed the word "Cabal", which came to mean a secret association because they were suspected to be the real power behind the throne.

I'm off to Doogle.

Someone Slap a Magnetic Ribbon on John Murtha's Car

Congressman John Murtha is my new hero. I saw him on Meet the Press yesterday, and I take back what I said in the previous post. He didn't just read the Atlantic article, he must have written it. Maybe Nir Rosen is his pseudonym. It's clear Murtha has an excellent grasp of what's happening both on the ground and in the hearts and minds of the Iraqis.

More importantly, he knows what price our troops are paying for our continued presence there. He visits the troops every week at Walter Reed Medical Center. Men and women who've been horribly disfigured by the war, the forgotten soldiers, shuffled off to recover from their wounds by a government occupied with inventing reasons for why we should continue on a flawed course.

Our highest government officials would rather meet with Ahmed Chalabi than with our brave soldiers.

Can anyone name a war supporter who visits the injured troops each week? Anyone? Has Dr. Frist even bothered to watch a video?

I doubt most of those people sporting magnetic ribbons on their cars alongside "W" bumper stickers have ever visited the troops either. John Murtha, on the other hand, walks the walk, and holds the hands of those who've paid the price.

Give this man a yellow ribbon.

What Congressman Murtha Reads at the Dentist's Office

While my daughter got her braces off today I read my copy of The Atlantic. An article by Nir Rosen was particularly enlightening, considering the current debate on leave now vs. leave later with our tail between our legs.

I suspect Congressman Murtha read the same article before he proposed that the U.S. exit Iraq now rather than later.

Rosen lays out the arguments for leaving ASAP, and they're pretty convincing. Conventional wisdom has it that chaos will erupt as soon as the U.S. pulls out, leaving Iraq in the midst of a civil war.

Yet as Rosen points out, Iraq already is in the midst of a civil war, and "The mere announcement of an intended U.S. withdrawal would allow Sunnis to come to the table and participate in defining the new Iraq."

The new Iraq, it turns out, will be a nation minus the Kurds. They'll secede as soon as we leave, but that's a good thing, argues Rosen. No one more deserves their own nation than the Kurds, plus:

They also happen to be the most America-loving people I have ever met; their leaders openly seek to become, like Israel, a proxy for American interests. If what the United States wants is long-term bases in the region, the Kurds are its partners.

Won't we be leaving the nation to the likes of al-Zarqawi if we pull out? No, according to Rosen, Zarqawi is hardly representative of the typical Iraqi resistance fighter:

The foreign jihadi element—commanded by the likes of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi—is numerically insignificant; the bulk of the resistance has no connection to al-Qaeda or its offshoots. (Zarqawi and his followers have benefited greatly from U.S. propaganda blaming him for all attacks in Iraq, because he is now seen by Arabs around the world as more powerful than he is; we have been his best recruiting tool.)

One by one, Rosen, a long time Iraqi correspondent, shoots down the objections cautious liberals like me have about leaving Iraq: the mother-instinct says "you made that mess, now you clean it up," yet a more apt analogy would be the elephant in the china shop: there's no way a two ton elephant can possibly clean up all the broken china that is modern Iraq.

And as Rosen asks, "who would the insurgents fight if the enemy left?"

More reading in this month's Atlantic: Why Iraq Has No Army. It's worth picking up a copy at your newsstand, and taking it to your next dentist appointment.

Impeach Cheney: Spread the Word

I've been anxiously waiting for Dick Cheney to resign, as history records he will, but maybe we should start talking up impeachment. Via Avedon, a site that explains how simple it really is to impeach a vice president:

A: Theoretically it could be done in a day. In the morning a member of the House of Representatives could propose one or more Articles of Impeachment and then a vote could be called. A simple majority (50% plus one vote) is all that is needed to impeach. In the afternoon the Senate could try the case. A two-thirds vote is needed in the Senate to convict.

You job is to call your congressman or congresswoman and ask them to introduce the Articles of Impeachment. My congresswoman is Heather Wilson, who, along with all the other 434 members of Congress, is running for re-election.

Remind me, how low are Dick Cheney's approval ratings today? I've seen polls that put him at 19%, others at 34%. Either way, he's a loser.

Tell your congresswoman/man you're in favor of impeachment of Vice President for Torture Dick Cheney, then remind them you'll be voting next November. All it takes is 50% plus one. Your representative could be the one!

Friday Horse Blogging

"Is it just me, or does that dog smell like the cows in the next pasture?"

On Wednesdays I go on rambles with American friends, they for the exercise and me to get photos of animals. I walk miles for these shots, sometimes through mud and muck and once in the middle of a pheasant hunt.

Mostly I see horses, in fact, I see more horses here in England than I ever did when I lived in the wild wild West.

This chocolate-coloured beauty near Burnham Beeches heard the dogs, and came running to the fence to see what the commotion was. We had two golden retrievers on our walk, including mine, the manure connoisseur. The other was barking, obviously trying to get a rise out of them, but mine was playing it cool.

I hate to tell her, but when your breath reeks of barnyard excrement, cool is an elusive beast.