Thanks to the convincing arguments by moderates over at Roxanne's and here on what liberals have been doing wrong, I've finally seen the light. I renounce my liberal screeds, every single one of them. How wrong I was to ever utter an invective against George Bush! As for voting against him, again, just plain wrong of me.
Vetching with friends? Wrong. Going to a Michael Moore movie (when my Republican neighbor, another misguided wench, invited me) was wrong. Sending that email joke to a few friends—wrong, and not funny, either. Commenting on a liberal weblog—what was I thinking? That was wrong, too.
Contributing money for that first MoveOn ad—clearly the devil made me do it. Signing up for their email—wrong again. Listening to Air America that one day before I moved—wrong, and with fuzzy AM reception too. (Must stop transmitting through my dental fillings.)
Going to a Howard Dean meetup—so wrong, on so many levels. (Why, it was there I first heard some McCain supporters use the "s" word in reference to George Bush's treatment of McCain!)
From now on, I will never speak ill of the following: Republicans, including RINOs and Log Cabin; conservatives in all their guises: neo-con, religious right, your-grandfather's, etc.; George Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill Frist, and similar moderates; right-wing bloggers, i.e. Little Green (American) Footballs or Michelle "Incarcerate 'Em" Malkin; indictees such as Tom DeLay, Scooter Libby, or Karl Rove; and for good measure, Teddy Roosevelt.
The only chickenhawks I'll reference here will be actual birds. I will no longer drop the h-bomb, since it clearly applies to myself and my liberal friends. I will no longer make fun of people whose pants are on fire—cheap jokes are unfunny, and have run their course besides.
From now on, only pure 100% unadulterated honey will issue forth from this blog, in order to catch more flies. Oh wait...did I just call anyone a fly? I meant moderates, of course.
Linking to invective and liberal polemics will be strickly forbidden. In fact, I'll cease reading them altogether, in case the urge to rant should come upon me suddenly and without provocation. I will get my news from Fox, which Rupert Murdoch has thoughtfully cleansed of calumny and left-wing screed.
I might occasionally still think a bad thought or two—old habits are hard to break—but I'll bite my tongue before I utter anything offensive. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Right. Now, what were we arguing about? Oh yes. Disabled people who can no longer take care of themselves should be tossed out on the street. Why, that's certainly a novel idea! I'll have to give it some thought.
Those moderates. So refreshingly non-polarizing, and invective-free, too!
