Dear Rt. Honorable Tony Blair,
Hi again. Last time I wrote, you were looking frazzled, trousers in tatters, the campaign wearing you down. I guess you didn't need my advice, though I must point out I was right: no one woke up with Michael Howard except his wife, despite the defection of some of "your" voters.
Since you've extended your lease on No. 10 Downing, I thought I might alert you to a problem you haven't seemed to notice: your Cabinet is leaking. There's a "drip drip" sound coming from somewhere in the basement, which pretty soon will turn into a giant sucking sound when all your credibility (what's left of it, I mean) drains right through those ancient pipes.
Now, British plumbing certainly has its detractors, mainly me, but I don't think this can be blamed on sixteenth century technology. No, something more sinister is afoot. (Ohh, I've always wanted to write that!)
Since I know you're focusing these days on the G8 and EU and your cross-channel tiff with Jacques, here's a recap of what's been happening:
A few weeks ago, someone leaked a document that's come to be known as the "Downing Street Memo" to the London Times. It didn't seem to hurt you in the election, save for a few seats in the wild wild West (you know it as Wales), but over in America the thing's taken on a life of its own. There's even talk of—get this—impeachment! Yes, it's become the metaphorical Blue Dress of your friend George's metaphorical screwing of the entire world.
And then more documents plopped into the press: Raw Story has the uncooked (un-"fixed" in Downing Street vernacular) story, the documents in full. Go read them, refresh your memory.
Meanwhile, I'm dying to know who did this. Since you don't seem too curious, I'll speculate for you. After all, I saw All The President's Men. I know how Deep Throat operates.
I know some are saying
it's Christopher Meyer, the former ambassador to the U.S., but he's
writing his own book—and you never give away the plot, as J.K. Rowling
can tell you.
Let's dig deeper.
Remember Katherine Gun, the GCHQ employee who exposed the fact the U.S. was spying on its allies at the U.N.? Frankly, I thought wiretapping went out of vogue with Nixonian diplomacy, but the Bush team must've found some old equipment in the basement. It caused you some embarrassment, and your government finally let her off, despite some pretty serious charges, since it looked like other documents might come out if you didn't back off. She got fired, though, so she can't be leaking again.
Then there was David Kelly, whose suicide prompted an investigation that, again, threatened to expose your thinking before the war. He can't be the leaker, either, as he's no longer talking, so let's keep looking, shall we?
Clare Short. The name brings back painful memories, doesn't it? A former friend and cabinet member, now an outspoken critic of the war, and your actions leading up to it. Could be, but she resigned, and probably had to turn over her secret decoder ring and all associated documents.
Speaking of spies, remember, Deep Throat was clever, a master of deception...have you checked the car parks around Whitehall? Oh wait, there aren't any. You'll have to look for someone who disagrees with your Iraq policy...oh wait, there are lots of those. Any more resignations, by the way? I've been looking for a job in government. I can't keep my mouth shut, either, so I should fit in just fine.
And I've been wanting to meet Gordon Brown...speaking of, has anyone seen him near a copier lately? I'm just sayin'...he wouldn't have far to move if you were, say, called to the International Criminal Court to answer for the Iraq War crimes you seemed so worried about in the leaked documents. I know you guys mended your tiff, but Scots can hold grudges a long time, I'm told.
But as long as I'm speculating here...I noticed you looked a little miffed with your friend George the other day, when he wouldn't pony up on the Africa thing. You're afraid he's going to spoil that G8 party you've been planning for years. What better way to bring him to heel than to tell the world what really happened in those months before war? You've won your last election, despite smoking trousers, (but you probably didn't inhale either) so what have you got to lose? (There's a nice car park in Slough, if you're looking to throw them off the scent.)
Poodles do occasionally bite their owners, don't they? (And everyone agrees you've been provoked.) Go ahead. You know you want to.
As always, give Cherie and little Leo my best. (Good thing you're married to a human rights lawyer. She may have some pull with the judge during your war crimes trial.)
Cheers,
Kathy
