Dear Tony (if I may be so familiar, if not, tough),
I've seen you on the news lately looking a little frazzled. Not only are your trousers still smoke-stained, but the Botox seems to have congealed and your tan has turned to pallor. Worse, your voice sounds a little reedy, which I suspect might be due to what you people call "whinging" but is more properly known as "whining."
Since I once did this sort of thing in America, I thought I might offer you some bits of advice, here on my blog. Which if you're reading, indicates just how worried you must be. (Because, as you see, the name of my blog is "What Do I Know?" and that's not meant to be cute. I'm in a state of bafflement when it comes to your country, but since other American bloggers are too busy gearing up for nuclear war, I'll go ahead then.)
Yesterday you told Labour supporters if ten percent of them didn't vote for you, the Tories would win. "Vote for Charles Kennedy," you say, "wake up with Michael Howard."
If I may use a phrase your people taught me, BOLLOCKS. First of all, THOSE ARE NOT YOUR VOTES! Do NOT threaten, intimidate, and otherwise extort voters who may or may not support you and your party. It's offensive.
Got that? Let me reiterate: You must earn the votes of your people. This involves doing good things, like improving schools (future voters, remember!), helping out when people are sick, (a cake would be nice, clean hospitals work too), keeping yobs under control (but don't get carried away—yobs vote, sometimes with eggs, admittedly). There's more, but from my perspective, things seem generally in good shape here. (You might want to do something about the poor service, and those speeders in my neighborhood, but other than that, color me impressed.)
The other part of this is not doing bad things. There the problem lies. (Yes, I said "lies." Meant it, too.) Supporting George Bush when he said he was going to kick Iraqi ass no matter what was a bad idea. Really bad. Even I knew there was no evidence Saddam had a) weapons of mass destruction or b) terrorists on his payroll. I forget just what reasons c-z were, but they don't wash either, and with 100,000 Iraqis dead, the fact they were formerly living in a dictatorship doesn't seem like it was a compelling reason for war.
The thing to do when you've screwed up royally, as we say (and this was before we knew the Windsors!), is to admit you've stepped in it, whilst trying to appear duly chastised. (My dog does this very well. Tuck your tail between your legs and hide under the nearest large piece of furniture.)
Come clean. You really wanted to be part of the In crowd, didn't you, those neocons across the pond who've dominated their playground, which also happens to be our world, by pissing in every corner of it. Problem is, your people don't like the bullies—think of them as yobs, if it helps. Yes, Tony, you've thrown your lot in with world-class yobs. I recommend you cut the ties immediately. (And anything you could do to improve the exchange rate would help tremendously.)
I know it hurts, when the widow of the British soldier who was killed yesterday blames you for his death (right here at the end of the campaign too!). My advice: Feel her pain. (Your buddy Bill Clinton could give you some tips on how to go about this.)
Let's see...what else? Those poor sods at Rover who've lost their jobs. Some sympathetic murmuring would go over really well there, and be totally believable too. Maybe Gordon could work on finding them new jobs, if he's not too busy scoring with voters—I hear Tesco's hiring.
Some campaign strategy: With two days left, there's not much you can do to reverse course. (Incidentally, whose idea was "Forward, Not Back?" As a campaign slogan, it sucks. If you're teaching your kid to drive, however, the phrase has some value.) You're right to focus on Charles Kennedy as your biggest threat; poor Michael Howard is more interested in calculating his pension these days than in redecorating Number 10. (Even as I write, John Humphrys is tearing a strip off him on Radio 4. Why aren't you on there, by the way?)
Conventional wisdom in America says go negative. Find some Swift Boat veterans and sic 'em on the the impertinent Scot. (Although "Fulbright Scholars for Truth" just doesn't have the same ring to it.) Call them "soft on drugs and crime." Ahh, I see you have.
But that sort of thing might backfire here, where voters have a built in rubbish detector, probably due to the popularity of composting, as well as the quaint lack of Insinkerators. (While I'm thinking about it, if reelected, could you get round to doing something about British plumbing?)
So go on, don't be shy. Remind voters of your accomplishments. Or of Gordon Brown's accomplishments. Good job mending that little tiff, by the way. I know it's just for show, but it helps to have him next to you, grinning like the charmer I'm sure he is. (I have a wee crush on him, but don't tell, okay?)
A small, but significant improvement: Get rid of the awful pink background. It doesn't make you look ruddy, it makes you look sick, and strongly suggests Pepto Bismol. (My daughter made some lovely backdrops for Howard Dean, and could probably throw something together. Ring me up; I'll give you her number.)
Now, to sum up, stop telling people to vote for you <voice of doom> "or else" </voice of doom>. It's not true, anyway, as several British bloggers have pointed out, even before the BBC got round to doing the maths.
I'll be out of pocket the next couple of weeks, so if you need any more advice, I suggest you go to one of the bloggers on my blogroll. Nick Barlow will know what you can get away with, and you might seek out NoseMonkey and Chicken Yoghurt. (I know, the names tend to put one off, but they're good blokes.) And also my countryman Kos is there. So far he seems more worried by the prices of stuff (welcome to my world, Kos!) and the music you play at your rallies, but he's generally spot on when it comes to politics. (He'll even let you guest blog, if you can figure out the diary stuff.)
Good luck with the rest of the campaign. Tell Cherie to hang in there, she may get to move to Bayswater sooner rather than later! (I know a great shop for curtains, btw.)
Cheers,
Kathy
PS Get new campaign music. How about James' "Laid," since you are sort of like a disease without any cure?
