Liz is furious, secret sources tell me, about the latest screwup by the Royal Offspring. Britain's cutest couple, Charles and Camilla, will no longer wed at Windsor Castle. Seems the ancient fortress isn't licensed for marriage ceremonies, under the 1994 marriage licensing act, which--ahem--no one bothered to check. (Of course, in the old days, the monarch would just sign a new act, or simply lop off a head or two, but in the new days, the Queen can't poke around in matrimonial affairs without the approval of church, state, and The Daily Mirror.)
Instead, the Wedding of the Century (so far) will occur just down the High Street, at Windsor Guildhall. Though not quite as posh as the castle, (the walls of the loo are said to be covered with graffitti) the Guildhall has its own share of history. When the original architect died, Sir Christopher Wren finished the project, in 1690. But council members, not entirely trusting this Wren guy, were concerned the floor would collapse, and so insisted on additional columns. Sir Christopher did as they wished--except the columns don't quite reach the ceiling. (I suspect Chris is having a good posthumous giggle over this.)
His other masterpiece, St Paul's Cathedral, was the scene of Charles' last wedding. While the Guildhall is considerably smaller--seating fewer than 150 people--second weddings are generally a smaller gig. (Which is a good thing--I mean, a practical joke is one thing, but if the ceiling collapsed during a royal wedding, Sir Chris might just have his head lopped off--posthumously, of course.)
Clarence House, in a performance worthy of the "Putting a Happy Face on Disaster" award, claimed the change in plans was actually a good thing: "The venue will enable the public to see the Prince of Wales and Mrs Parker Bowles arrive and depart and ... include the town of Windsor in the day's events." (I myself plan to be there with bags of rice to pelt the happy couple.)
In related news, Mrs. Parker-Bowles has chosen a designer for her wedding gown, Robinson Valentine. Ladbrookes is offering 1-5 odds the dress will be cream, while William Hill give it 1-3. (No word yet on who'll provide the music, but sources tell me Charles was at an urban music workshop yesterday, listening to reggae. No one's asked moi, but "No Woman No Cry" would make a lovely wedding tune.)
Questions remain, however, and in the spirit of internet muckraking journalism What Do I Know? is willing to dig deeper: What DOES the graffiti say in the Guildhall loo? Will the Corgis be allowed inside? Just where IS Christopher Wren buried, and is the faint sound of "bwahahahahaha" ever heard from his grave?
(Secret sources are only good for so much; just ask Woodward and Bernstein.)
