After the tragedy in Newtown, many people said that school teachers and administrative officials should be armed in order to prevent mass shootings on school campuses.
Clearly, they missed the point.
It's the children themselves who should be packing heat.
In the last week, two four-year-olds in America have shot and killed people who presumably were threatening them. A deputy's wife was killed by a four-year-old who picked up a pistol and pulled the trigger, and a few days later another four-year-old shot and killed his six-year-old playmate.
I think this demonstrates that you're never too young to handle a gun.
Moms, dads, consider buying your pre-schoolers a Smith & Wesson when they beg for a new toy. Sign them up for NRA shooting lessons at the same time they get their booster shots. The risk that they might come to harm—from a crazed gunman, from a teacher who's having a bad day, or from a classmate with a grudge—is simply too high.
An unarmed toddler is a statistic waiting to happen.
Frankly, a parent who doesn't arm their child is no better than the parent who doesn't strap their baby in a car seat. Safety first, when it comes to our most precious resource: our children, whose gun-buying habits may provide just the stimulus this economy needs. (If cash is tight, consider cashing in that savings bond the grandparents gave your child when he was born.)
Gun manufacturers need to take care to provide age-appropriate pistols for their young customers. The hand grip needs to fit those small hands, more used to holding crayons than Walther P99s. And everyone knows young children are attracted to bright colors, so maybe a Barney-themed revolver would be the perfect gift to bring to that Chuckie Cheese birthday party. The parents of the birthday child will be grateful, and the other kids will be sure to invite your son or daughter to their birthday party. (Not being invited to a birthday party is a leading cause of playground arguments, which, of course, lead to playground shootings.)
And if your daughter is into My Little Pony, how about a My Little Pistol for riding the range? Older girls might want a Barbie assault rifle with expanding bullets. (Make sure the magazine is color-coordinated; you don't want your daughter to have to hide her unsightly weapon for fear of teasing.)
Remember, it's not guns that kill people. It's toddlers, and if your child spends much time with toddlers and pre-schoolers, you'll want to know he can protect himself.
If anyone tries to talk you out of making such a purchase—say, the overly cautious Wal-Mart associate who just started working in Sporting Goods and probably reads The Huffington Post while on break—remind him the Second Amendment guarantees the rights of all citizens to keep weapons, and last I checked, toddlers were citizens too. If that doesn't work, try having a tantrum. (Call it a "filibuster" though, if you want to be taken seriously.)