Dear Rt. Honorable Tony Blair,
As you know, we had a wee incident of our own in my home state of Louisiana recently. Hurricane Katrina has swept through and left things a bit untidy. (British understatement: I'm starting to get the hang of it!) New Orleans is under water, looters run wild in the street, and Mississippi—well, let's just say the best thing that happened to Mississippi is that the offshore casinos are now on-shore. (Trashed, but no worries; there's still online betting.)
Your friend George has finally left his vay-cay to see if he might be of some help, which you and I both know means tits all. Over the years, he's gutted FEMA like a trout and rerouted money meant for flood control to that muck-up you all have going over in Iraq. Ditto with the National Guard troops who'd normally help out in a situation like this. He even managed to strike a discordant note when he played guitar whilst New Orleans flooded.
In short, there are no adults left in Washington who were not appointed by the Bush administration as a favour for their political contributions. Car dealers are not very good at managing disasters, it turns out.
Please, you gotta help us out. I'll even forget all about that revolution thing-—what were they thinking, anyway? Taxation without representation, blah blah...did the revolutionaries know we'd use our democratic powers to elect an idiot one day? Most likely not; I think that invalidates the Declaration, don't you?
If you could just send in some British troops, maybe some hospital matrons, (that cute Gordon Brown would be nice, if he's available) we'd be ever so grateful. Bob Geldof would also be of some use. While the US is not exactly a third world country, the state of Louisiana pretty much is. A little geo-cultural lesson: A few rich white people and a whole lot of poor black people live there. It's sort of like South Africa, actually, and although the water fountains are no longer segregated, they unfortunately no longer work either.
So, if you could help out, we'd sure appreciate it. I imagine we could even rename the state in your honor: Blairana, or something to that effect. Sound good? (King Louis never did much for us anyway.)
A word of warning though. Since guns are readily available in Red States such as Louisiana and Mississippi, please warn your troops they may be facing unfriendly fire. Residents are armed and dangerous, sort of like in Fallujah. But I hear your troops are spot on when it comes to dealing with civil unrest.
The sooner the better, by the way. Things are deteriorating fast, from untidy to bloody effin' hell. You can use my frequent flyer miles if you'd like to fly over yourself and see how Louisiana really got the piss taken out of her.
As always, cheers to Cherie and the lads.
KathyF, former subject to Her Majesty the Queen (well, third generation removed)
PS I know you're thinking, I told him so! re: global warming, etc. etc., but could you try not to be petty about this? We need your help, not your gloating. (Yes, I'm one to talk.)
PPS I know, you're also thinking, "Oh dear, Americans will have to pay higher petrol prices--ha ha HA HA HA! Hey, Cherie! Get a load of this! Those tossers across the ocean think paying a couple quid for petrol is a crisis! What whingers!" Or something like that. You're absolutely right. Feel better? Now, could you PLEASE SEND HELP?
PPPS We did save your butts in World War II, remember. What would Churchill do?